Not that I was trying to change the subject but I assume you are already asleep so I get to write you a sortoff letter
So when the power went out me and Ernst went outside and we just started talking just about stuff in general.
We started talking about camping and how nice it would be to go on the bikes to go minimalist camping. Just a tarp and sleeping bags and food. There are a few remote places in between here and the eastern cape that would be great isolated places to set up and spend a few days. But like doing the thing om making your own chair and shelter. Thought that would be a really great adventure to share.
Then from there we talked about the future. Not having a clue what to do etc. I suppose we got there because when talking about camping I got sorta stuck on Knysna. Dont know if you remember but I really wanted to live there a while back. I think I need to chase that dream, not like the pack my shit and run now, more the making actual plans to end up there idea. I think I really want to sail. And I really want a sailboat. So at least I have now gone from not knowing anything or having any direction to having a vague idea where I wanna be.
He was saying that he is a sort off functional adult because there literally is no other choice. I think he had a point there. I need to be in the situation where there is absolutely no other choice than to push forward. So I think I need to start working out how to build a life aiming towards something not trying to just stay standing. Maybe if my only goal is to stay afloat then I always have to keep fighting just to stay alive, but if my goal is something much more than staying afloat is my safety fallback that I can step off from again. I dunno. I suppose the problem is that, that I dont know.
So I know a few things. I know getting a boat is way harder than getting a house. Million rand houses can be paid off over many years but boats have to be settled in a much smaller amount of time. Also if I am doing that then am I setting up a solid base on land? I again dunno. So maybe the idea is suppose to lead to finding a different goal that allows both lives as one life. So I need to figure that direction out or that life.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what cliff told me, that his bread and butter is SEO retainers. I think I need to learn that life. Or i need to learn a different life. Ernst pointed out that even though there was no goal we managed to survive ok so the capabilities are there. Just gotta use what I have so far and go from there. Clearly a salary job is not the way to go. I dunno
Anyhow i think if i can be that i can maybe someone worthy of the love you have for me. I could be someone who likes who he is and doesn’t just want to be someone else.
Signed with love,
M
P.s.
I’m adding this as a last minute afterthought so you understand me.
I go to sleep everything wondering if you’ll be safe. Worried that something will happen now that I am not there. Every day I wake up and feel a little easier cos I know nothing happened today. I’ll get completely used to the fact I’m not responsible for your safety in time but right now I still go cold when I think anything may happen to you.
I am aware you cannot always answer the phone or sometimes are not available so I shouldnt be paranoid.
If I do call or something at an inconvenient time just reply with an emoticon. That already lets me know you are ok but busy