letters to my love

So my large friend pointed out that I should not see problems as problems but see them as challenges... yes I know.. you've said this to me before as well... So that means currently my challenges are getting up and setting myself up for the day... How to cope with everything that's happening to me... I have no idea where I am supposed to go from here... I need some direction. or I need a start. or something. Where the hell does a person find this inside themselves? I've scratched around in the emptiness but all I find is more emptiness. I mean yes there are pockets of warmth connected to memories but how do I create a self-motivating source. I've woken up from the same nightmare so many times now I've lost count how many different ways I've tried so far to stop it happening... is it just building on my feelings of futility or am I suppose to find a way eventually? I actually woke up loudly saying No once so far. learned now that talking is not something th...

everybody lies... This is the universal truth. Why were we given the ability to fabricate realities in our minds? Because the honest good reality is boring or it sucks. Going through my history and looking at how I have behaved over so many years it's staggering to discover just how much of it is pretend. everything from simple conversations to just normal reactions to other's actions is on such a massive scale altered. I can't be the only one, and if I am not so special then why does everyone else do it while claiming that their favourite attribute in people is honesty. Maybe then it's about relative honesty because even when people are honest, are their reasons form being honest transparent? No Everybody loves Sheldon on a screen but actually living with such a person would be intolerable. Even tact is in some way dishonest. what about myself though. it sucks to realise I even lie to myself. For so long I believed I was more than I am, believed that I was in...

Not that I was trying to change the subject but I assume you are already asleep so I get to write you a sortoff letter So when the power went out me and Ernst went outside and we just started talking just about stuff in general. We started talking about camping and how nice it would be to go on the bikes to go minimalist camping. Just a tarp and sleeping bags and food. There are a few remote places in between here and the eastern cape that would be great isolated places to set up and spend a few days. But like doing the thing om making your own chair and shelter. Thought that would be a really great adventure to share.  Then from there we talked about the future. Not having a clue what to do etc. I suppose we got there because when talking about camping I got sorta stuck on Knysna. Dont know if you remember but I really wanted to live there a while back. I think I need to chase that dream, not like the pack my shit and run now, more the making actual plans to end ...